Trial and Error...

I remember when I was in the 9th grade and Alex M. paid my best friend Katherine $1 to tell me he was in love with me. He then came up to me in the middle of drama class while I was sitting on the stage and said, "So? Did, um--Did she tell you?"

And that's how relationships were at that age. Sweet, innocent, trial and error.

I made a promise to myself at the end of my last relationship that I was going to be less picky--not lower my standards--but add people to the list of "acceptable to date." I used to turn a guy down for a variety of superficial things. It pains me to say it because I hate to think of myself that way. But I'm realizing that sometimes quality doesn't always come in the aesthetic form of George Clooney.

My last boyfriend, Carl, was not someone that I ever would have intentionally gone on a date with. He was way to old for me, socially awkward, and didn't look like the kind of guy that would normally turn my head. What he was was super into me.

I'd just gotten out of an incredibly emotionally trying relationship with someone I loved deeply, and Carl was there as a friend to pick up the pieces. Over time he found the fragments of my ego and carefully stapled them back together through poetry, little surprises, compliments, kindness, and devotion. Before I knew it I was spending al my time with him, we were meeting each other's family's, taking vacations, and eventually moving in together.

From that experience I learned that the people you might not give a chance to might be the people who most surprise you.

That's how my first date with Jordan came about, my new say-yes-to-people-you-wouldn't-otherwise thing. He is not the type of guy, physically, that I date. But I made the decision to give him just one chance because I might make a friend out of it, at least. Turns out--we had a million things to talk about, had a lot in common, and I had a genuinely good time.

Who knew?

Shouldn't I Know Better?

One of the best things I ever did when it came to relationships was reading the book, "He's Just Not That Into You."

I learned a ton from that book. I found myself hiding in corners of Barnes and Nobles laughing hysterically, wanting to punch something, nodding enthusiastically like, "exactly!", or rip the pages out and frame them for either myself or friends. Then I bought it because I decided-- if I wanted to avert arrest-- that this book, and the emotions it produced were best kept in privacy.

It is so easy to live out scenarios and make excuses for people and find the million reasons why you are the exception to the advice you've so sagely doled out to your friends in similar circumstances. But you're not. You know you're not. You are the rule.

A couple months ago I met a guy at a party. Ron. I thought he was cute, and even though I had never made the first move before I decided to give him my number. (I think because I was pretty drunk.) I half way hoped he wouldn't call me because I remember inwardly cringing when he told me his age. 24. And--let's be real--a man's 24 is usually a woman's 21. However, he ignored all the man guides and called me the very next day. Instantly I was intrigued.

We went out several times, things seemed to progressing. I was a little put off by the fact that I had to initiate a conversation about our lack of physicality after the three week mark--but I chalked it up to him being a gentleman.

So--here it is--almost 2 months after we met and I cannot tell you for the life of me what changed between then and now, but things have fizzled. They have fizzled, popped, and shriveled up to a lifeless clump you leave in the corner to sweep up.

I kept trying to figure out why one day Ron  just stopped asking me out for dates, why he stopped texting daily just to touch base, why I suddenly felt like if I wanted a response to a text message by 10pm I should send mine before noon. I tried over analyzing things for a few days and then one day I decided maybe I was too old for that. So, I did what I think adults are "supposed" to do in these situations and communicated!

I asked him straight up why he had seemed to back off and he said he hadn't. He had just been busy. But that nothing else had changed. I breathed a little sigh of relief, until the next day I texted him around noon with an open ended question, and by 9pm I still hadn't heard anything back.

I started thinking... what is busy? I went to school full time, worked full time, had an internship for 15 additional hours a week and somehow I managed to maintain having a social life. Yeah, barely, but I did it. It really doesn't take a lot of energy to send a text that says, "Hey. Hope you have a great day!" or "Hey, I am really busy this week. But I have a few hours free Saturday...dinner?" Really, I sometimes send texts while I'm on the toilet, so...

Today something clicked that a few years ago might have taken me five times longer to understand: Ron is just not that into me!

Oh well, his loss! And, onto the next...

Yes it was.

So I bailed on the night out with Jordan the night before the fact. I knew I had to be in class for 8 hours the following day, and I was getting over being sick so the idea of navigating through tons of crowds at the game and meeting new people did not appeal to me. 

Turns out, it was a date. Or at least the make up offer turned into one. He texted me sweetly to say he hoped I felt better and that next time he was in town (he lives an hour and a half away) we would go for dinner, drinks and a movie. 

That is how I decided the hang out offer was maybe not intended as a plutonic, "hey, let's be friends!"...

I guess I could still be off, but my instincts tell me otherwise. 

Um...Is this a date?

In the first couple of weeks I was back from Central America I hopped right back into the Disaster Relief training I'd started before I left for my 5 month trip. In my first training there was a guy, we'll call him-- Jordan.

We talked for a bit, bullshitted, whatever. Lesson was over and we went our separate ways. Fast forward a month later and we're put on the same shift for a TV fundraiser for the Japanese earthquake/tsunami. I say something under my breath about needing coffee, and Jordan brings me a hot cuppa joe with a snack just as I'm taking my seat.

As I'm about to leave for the day he tells me that I should sign up for the same shelter training session as him the following weekend, because it's always good to know someone else in the class. 

Long story (semi) shortened-- After the weekend Shelter Ops training Jordan asks me for my phone number. Then...

He doesn't contact me for a week! A week man. I lose interest in a week if I don't know someone well. I'm not saying I was interested, but if I had been then too bad for Bonzo. 

Finally he texts me and asks me to go to a Mariner's game with him and a bunch of people. Here in lies the question:

If someone asks you to a group event on your very first time hanging out--is it a date? Or is it a, "Hey, this is me reaching out trying to make a new friend.".... What do you think? 

I got the Sickies

Sick. I am really sick today. I want soup. I want cuddles despite me telling him not to because I don’t want him to get sick. I want medicine and babying. Waking up from nightmares and being indisposed are the two times it makes it so hard not to call your most recent significant other.

I don’t remember how I did it last time…

Any suggestions? 

Mars and Venus

I have been really lucky. With the exception of one of my relationships, I have always had really good boyfriends. I have had boyfriends who were thoughtful, romantic, articulate, effusive when it came to their feelings for me. I am still on good terms with every ex (except that one …who I think we all have, don’t we?) I have ever loved.

The thing is, that because of this, it makes me a very picky person. Here is the list of things I do not tolerate:

Lying.

Flakiness.

In-ability to communicate

Hot and Cold affections

I have been listening to a lot of my single guy friends lately talk about issues with women they are either with, or trying to get into something meaningful with. A common thread is not knowing where people stand.

Here is an email I got from a friend yesterday. (He said I could share it, so I’m not divulging personal information.)

I don’t know what is happening. I’m so frustrated. So, she calls me Sunday afternoon from work and says she wants to hang out that night. I had plans, but I cancelled them because I hadn’t seen her for over a week. Amelia, she seriously hadn’t even responded to my text messages in like 2 days. But anyway so all of a sudden she wants to see me and I say okay and we have an amazing night hanging out. I planned a really great date. I spent like an hour planning it and she had a great time, I had her laughing all night, she stayed over, yadda yadda. So I text her yesterday to let her know I wanted to see her again soon because that’s what youre supposed to do if you’re not playing games right? And I still haven’t heard back from her. What do I do?

Phew. Wow. So, I can completely relate to this scenario. And, quite frankly, I’m guessing that most people can. We have all had someone who we’re really into even though we can’t quite figure out what they’re thinking. Or, we have had someone who seems interested in us and then all of a sudden backs off.

In my experience the only way to get out of this becoming a total mindf#$! is to be open about it. It sucks sometimes because it makes you a vulnerable person. But one thing I learned from my last relationship is that if people aren’t willing to be vulnerable and put themselves out there, it is going to make for a very stifled relationship.

Another thing I have to say about this, even though it’s going to be hypocrisy at it’s finest, is that I think I am learning that replacing text messaging with a good, old fashioned phone call might be the best bet. With a text message that whole, “should I text again? Maybe it didn’t go through…” seems viable, and reasonable. But with a phone call, a message unanswered is a pretty obvious signal.

Men vs. Women. We find each other so complicated, but we pull the same shenanigans with one another. Why is communication such a difficult concept to grasp?

Sadie Made Me!

I have this friend. She’s beautiful, confident, smart, and creative. We’ll call her Sadie. A month back, I was at Sadie’s house for a girl’s night when she started recounting some stories of great dating adventures. I asked her where she was meeting all these people and her answer shocked me. Online.

Online? Really? I thought back to my two online dating experiences. One was a guy from Myspace when I first moved back to Seattle from Boston. The guy seemed cool. We had e-mailed a bit and decided to meet up at a bar by his house. I had half of one drink, and the next thing I remember is breaking into a restaurant to use the phone, and one of my best friends coming to pick me up underneath the freeway.

The next time I tried online dating (which, it probably goes without saying was several years later) was a few weeks after my most long-term relationship. I convinced myself it was good to get out and prove to myself that there weren’t just other fish in the sea, but there were better ones.

This time there was no drinking involved, and I decided to place  one hundred percent emphasis on conversation. After a two hour conversation that was really more of this man’s monologue about why encouraging imagination in children is pointless, and why creativity was a dying fad, I made the decision that online dating was never going to make a re-appearance in my life.

But then, here was Sadie. Being funny, and charming, and engaging me with the one thing it’s hard for me to resist—a great story.

I thought, well, what if I were to do this over and shift my expectations. What if I don’t go into this looking to meet someone that could potentially be in my life forever? What if I go into this saying, “Won’t this make a great story?”

Sadie, being my only single girl friend in town, convinced me to set up a profile on this dating site. I told her I would only do it on the condition that my first date out she accompany me with someone she meets on the site. An online double date!

What do you guys think about online dating?